Hello all! I just realized that I didn't post anything yesterday and I sincerely apologize. In a way, it wouldn't have been a good day to post because I had a very bad day yesterday. I cried, I got angry, and I zoned out a few times. It is just very stressful within myself. I made it to my therapist yesterday and couldn't stop crying because I was so angry and confused. The best advice she gave me was to take it one day at a time and keep myself safe.
On the drive there, I hoped I would have crashed the car into a tree, that is how bad I felt. I don't know what is going on inside me or with me. I feel like the best thing for me to do is to close up in my room and keep myself safe. My husband wouldn't understand why even though he knows that I have done it before. I would only come out of my room to shower, eat, and go to a doctor's appointment. I feel like I need to be alone for a bit and it isn't anything anyone has done.
All of this has to do with me and my mental illness, but I don't expect too many people to understand that. My therapist told me to sit down and do a self-reflection and try to narrow down what happened that made me change. I told my husband yesterday that I am not the same person. Something has changed or triggered a change in me that has caused a lot of conflict within myself. I am good one minute and then wanting to punch the wall the next, which I am not a violent person.
I thought I would be better today but things just keep happening that force me out of my comfort zone and I don't like it. I am trying to behave myself and keep all of my comments and thoughts to myself today so that no one will take things the wrong way. I have a hard time getting the words from my brain to my mouth correct and some things are twisted and people get the wrong meaning of what I am trying to convey.
I am hoping I can try to start over again tomorrow since it is a new day and maybe even feel better. I see my primary care physician tomorrow for an update on my diabetes and cholesterol which I am changing my diet and eating to the way they want me to eat so that I can lose weight and get everything under control. I have some goals made and pinned up over my desk so that I remember.
My goals are to lose fifty pounds, have seven more books published, and my A1C for my diabetes to be under seven all by Halloween. These are realistic goals for me and I know that I can do them. The stress has a lot to do with my weight though because I can't seem to lose any weight or even gain any weight. I am just stuck at my current weight with only a shift of three pounds either way.
I am going to discipline myself to stay on my routine and schedule come hell or high water. If I have a doctor's appointment, I will catch up on what I missed on my schedule before going to bed that night. I need to get things back to where they were or I will crash and burn and my husband has already stated that he doesn't want me going into the hospital because he needs me out here, but if it is for my own sanity I will.
Well, I think I made up for not posting yesterday and I apologize for it seeming like I was venting some frustration. I am not myself and need to fix it so I can be better. I will end here or I will get started again and don't want to talk your ear off or ruin your eyes trying to read all of this.
I wish a "Happy Birthday" to everyone with a birthday today, and to everyone else, have an awesome night. I want to send prayers out to a friend of mine who is in the hospital from having a stroke and wish him a speedy recovery. Take care.
On the drive there, I hoped I would have crashed the car into a tree, that is how bad I felt. I don't know what is going on inside me or with me. I feel like the best thing for me to do is to close up in my room and keep myself safe. My husband wouldn't understand why even though he knows that I have done it before. I would only come out of my room to shower, eat, and go to a doctor's appointment. I feel like I need to be alone for a bit and it isn't anything anyone has done.
All of this has to do with me and my mental illness, but I don't expect too many people to understand that. My therapist told me to sit down and do a self-reflection and try to narrow down what happened that made me change. I told my husband yesterday that I am not the same person. Something has changed or triggered a change in me that has caused a lot of conflict within myself. I am good one minute and then wanting to punch the wall the next, which I am not a violent person.
I thought I would be better today but things just keep happening that force me out of my comfort zone and I don't like it. I am trying to behave myself and keep all of my comments and thoughts to myself today so that no one will take things the wrong way. I have a hard time getting the words from my brain to my mouth correct and some things are twisted and people get the wrong meaning of what I am trying to convey.
I am hoping I can try to start over again tomorrow since it is a new day and maybe even feel better. I see my primary care physician tomorrow for an update on my diabetes and cholesterol which I am changing my diet and eating to the way they want me to eat so that I can lose weight and get everything under control. I have some goals made and pinned up over my desk so that I remember.
My goals are to lose fifty pounds, have seven more books published, and my A1C for my diabetes to be under seven all by Halloween. These are realistic goals for me and I know that I can do them. The stress has a lot to do with my weight though because I can't seem to lose any weight or even gain any weight. I am just stuck at my current weight with only a shift of three pounds either way.
I am going to discipline myself to stay on my routine and schedule come hell or high water. If I have a doctor's appointment, I will catch up on what I missed on my schedule before going to bed that night. I need to get things back to where they were or I will crash and burn and my husband has already stated that he doesn't want me going into the hospital because he needs me out here, but if it is for my own sanity I will.
Well, I think I made up for not posting yesterday and I apologize for it seeming like I was venting some frustration. I am not myself and need to fix it so I can be better. I will end here or I will get started again and don't want to talk your ear off or ruin your eyes trying to read all of this.
I wish a "Happy Birthday" to everyone with a birthday today, and to everyone else, have an awesome night. I want to send prayers out to a friend of mine who is in the hospital from having a stroke and wish him a speedy recovery. Take care.
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