3/8/2020

Good morning to all. It is eleven thirty-five in the morning here in Dalton, Georgia. Another sunny day is what we have today and it is so beautiful outside. I haven't been up for long but I feel that I am going to get a lot done today. Call it intuition if you will.
My husband is making another pot of coffee because he does drink a lot of coffee. I am still on my first cup which I guess would measure up to two cups given its size. I am feeling pretty good this morning so far now that I have taken some medicine for a headache that I woke up with.
We are still sitting here drinking coffee and having a good conversation. He is making me laugh by acting so silly. I love him so much and I try to make it show. The dogs are playing in the room and having a good time. When it gets quiet is when we begin wondering about their character. The one thing that I do love in the whole world is seeing the older ones playing with the younger ones. It is so cute even though sometimes we have to tell them to be easy with the younger ones because they are tiny babies.
This might be a short post today because I am starting to have the feeling of racing and speeding up. I hate these feelings but they do happen, so guess what, I am a normal human being. I am on medication to help with these things, but one panic attack or depressive mood will always slip by them and make my day hell, but today I am feeling good feelings and happy thoughts.
So, let me tell everyone to have a blessed day and share their love. "Happy Birthday" to those with one today. Please keep the homeless and Hope Station USA in your thoughts and prayers. Take care and love someone today.

1/15/2020

Hello everyone. How are you doing? I need some time and space to vent over stupid shit to others but most of it is important to me. Things like for instance, my husband thinks that I am very smart, I don't see it, but he is constantly volunteering me to be google search and information for everyone. That shit drives me crazy because that is what the internet is for, not me. People who spend a lot of time on their phones should know how to look things up on google, instead of them having to do the work, my husband volunteers me to do it for everyone like I should know all the answers in the universe.
Another thing that is so minor is food. When I buy something and state that it is mine or for me to eat and when I am ready to go get it and someone else has used it all, that irks me because they were the ones who told me to inform them if something is specially bought for me. Things are really getting to me because of my environment, what's going on around me, and sometimes even the people around me annoy the crap out of me.
I feel so awkward because I am not like everyone else and have my own core values and such that it makes me stand out as being the bad guy because I don't believe what others believe, but I must conform to their ways in order to keep the peace. It feels so much like deja vu because again, I am having to put another mask on to hide who I really am. It almost kills me to have to resort to such drastic measures that change my life and who I am totally.
When does the masquerade stop and life begin? I don't know what else to do but be what everyone else wants me to be no matter if it makes me happy or not. Maybe God has a reason for this, I could only hope, or there is something bigger going on that is beyond my scope of intelligence.
It is driving issues between my husband and me and I can't help but question my own existence in this place.
Sorry for having to vent but it has got to come to a head at some point. My mental health medication can't block out everything. Thanks for listening. Have a great night.

4/17/2019

Good morning everyone. It is sixty-seven degrees and very sunny outside today. I just woke up and had my first cup of coffee and let my dogs out. I have to leave in about an hour to go to my back doctor and to pay some bills. I am a little sore today but it is manageable. The bruise over my left kidney is finally starting to go away from my fall in the bathroom but it is still a sore spot to the touch.

I ran both of my finished manuscripts through a spell check and grammar yesterday and made a few corrections and now they are ready for me to read to check for the flow of the story. So, you can say I am beginning the editing phase of those two manuscripts before publishing. That will make seven books published while I am halfway through the next manuscript.

I WILL get some writing done today and get that manuscript closer to being finished. I have fallen behind on my writing schedule due to mental health issues that have been affecting me lately. I spent quite a bit of time with my husband yesterday because I felt depressed and had no reason for it. I love how he cares for me.

I have started another article for another site and should have it submitted today as well. I feel like writing today and through my books, I can release a lot of emotions which make me feel better. Most of my stories are created because of things that I am feeling which helps me therapeutically. I always feel tied to my stories because of my mental illness and my past.

Today, I feel is going to be a good productive day for me and I like the way I feel upon waking up. My medication really has helped me sleep since being prescribed it. As far as my mental health medication go, they can't guarantee that depression or anxiety won't slip through every now and then, but I do have a lot more good days than bad since being put on new medications.

Well, my husband just made and brought me my second cup of coffee and I am enjoying it because it tastes so good this morning for some reason. Last night we sat and discussed the plans for our homestead and came up with some ideas that I have to research and get more information for. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation last night because he mostly leaves everything up to me to take care of but this time he actually put his opinions into the conversation.

Well, I must end this post now so that I can get ready to leave and I wish everyone a blessed day. For those who were born on this date, "Happy Birthday" and may you have many more. Please keep the homeless in your prayers and thoughts and do something nice for someone less fortunate today and you will be rewarded for your good deed. Take care.

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12/4/2018

Hello everyone. Today is not a good day and I feel like shit. I wanted to post to let everyone know that because of my mental health illness that I am putting things away and I don't know if I will pick them back up ever. I am canceling almost all of my doctor's appointments except the urologist because I am due to get a pacemaker in about a week from now.

The only reason for that is because I am tired of peeing the bed and all over myself. It is affecting me mentally which does not help the situation. I am tired of going through things and now that I think about it, it makes sense why I stayed homeless for so long because I had nothing for anyone to take away.

I don't know at this point what to do and all I can do is sit here and cry because I am worn down and my mind is going everywhere. If I am here tomorrow posting, it will be considered a miracle. So for now, I just have to play it by ear what will happen next. Take care everyone.

11/14/2018

Good morning everyone. I do apologize for not posting yesterday, but I had nerve blocks put in one side of my neck yesterday morning and was too loopy to post or even stay awake. The medication is beginning to wear off and it feels like there is a brick in that side of my neck and it is stiff. I have been up since six-thirty this morning. It is forty degrees outside but feels like thirty-four. Brrr!

My friend's dad came home from the hospital yesterday as well and now I am back on the job, lol. I am going back on routine this morning with house chores and writing. I am feeling very positive about everything right now, but the day has just begun.

It is now nine o'clock this evening. Sorry I had to leave this from this morning. I had some important things to do and my neck has been hurting a little all day and feels like I have a brick inside my neck. Everything has gone pretty good today. We got most of the painting done and I was able to finish the pantry and put the food back and tomorrow I will be scrubbing and stripping the kitchen floor of forty years of dirt.

I am trying to get back to my routine and everything, but having to get this kitchen done and some other things kind of puts a damper on everything. Tomorrow should be the last day of getting things done and then back to writing. I miss writing but it has also been too cold to sit in my back room without distractions.

Having to sit in the living room makes it hard to get passionately back into my writing because of the television being on or people coming over. I have to get back into my room somehow whether I have to winterize or something. I need the quiet room back. I am falling behind in my book writing and it is starting to send me back into a depressive state.

I am finding it hard to think about my stories because I am feeling distracted. I have to find my motivation again quickly before I go into a slump of depression. Well, let me get this published and move onto something else to get done.

I hope everyone is having an awesome evening and I want to send out "Happy Birthday" wishes to everyone who turned a year older today. Take care.

8/6/2018

I have to apologize again for being a no-show the last few days. I have not taken my mental health medication and have not been myself. It was one of those days where you didn't give a damn, but my anxiety and mood swings have been a problem even with the medication. I have not been able to sleep good and I get scatterbrained. The one bad thing about it all is that I can be motivated and ecstatic one minute an then on the drop of a dime, hate everyone or become so depressed or moody that it can be detrimental to my well-being and book writing.

I have not had energy or motivation to write which is not like me because it is therapy for me to write. I cannot even focus on anything right now. I took my husband to his doctor's appointment this morning and kept trying to fall asleep and then my sugar began dropping. When we got home, I tried to get this post and some other things done, but couldn't focus on anything and it was hard to deal with so I laid down and took a nap.

When my husband woke me up this afternoon, I felt a little better but was still a little foggy in the head. This usually comes and goes and that is when you find me locked away in my room so that my mood swings won't affect anyone else. I have taken my medication now and waiting for it to kick in so I can go to sleep which I haven't been able to sleep in a few days again.

I am trying to get my head back together and working on my writing again. I will be sending two books to the editor by the end of this month and begin the editing on the third and writing the next one. I am working on my motivation and hope to see it flourishing again soon.

Wel, it is time to say goodnight and I hope everyone had an awesome and blessed day? I wish everyone that had a birthday today "Happy Birthday" and I will chat more again tomorrow. Sleep well.

05/17/2018

     Hello Everyone. I am doing pretty good today. I had a doctor's appointment this morning to get things going to get my custom diabetic shoes and inserts. I will also be scheduling for a podiatrist and urologist for some other problems. Today I found out that my A1C has gone down quite a bit since February and that my liver and kidney functions are normal and working pretty good.
     My mental health status is doing okay. I go see my therapist on Monday and then the psychiatrist for medications on Wednesday. I still have issues with anxiety and sometimes my depression slips through but I have been trying to keep myself busy to try and not notice it.
     For the last few days, I have been working on my notebook that holds me accountable for my book writing. I finally finished it today and now I am ready to keep myself on track. My writing has been going good and pretty much on schedule. I am still looking for beta or proofreaders to assist with my book writing and publishing. Anyone want to help out just leave me a comment with your email address or email me at bpayne43@live.com. My next three books should be ready around the end of the first week of June.
     Well, I need to continue my schedule and move forward today. I wish everyone a blessed and prosperous day and look forward to posting again tomorrow. Take care.

01/27/2018

Good morning everyone. I am up early this morning when I should be sleeping in on a Saturday. I know most of you must have had a long Friday night and are sleeping off the partying, lol. My husband and I are having coffee right now and I have taken the dogs out and then they wanted playtime which it is too early for that right now.

I am beginning my schedule this morning with this posting being the first thing on my schedule, so all of you come first every morning. I am doing pretty good this morning and I think the depression is coming under control now. It was a hard couple of weeks battling it. It looks promising this morning for me to get things done.

I have finished another chapter in my next manuscript which I have two manuscripts in progress at the same time. I hope everyone has grabbed a FREE copy of my latest ebook from this site? It has had a couple of good reviews and it is a very interesting story I think. Some of my family has enjoyed reading it. I am looking for some feedback on it, so if you have a few minutes please share it or comment on it. It took a few months to finish it, but I finally got it published and the paperback is on Amazon, but you can get a Free copy of the ebook before it goes on Amazon.

Well, it is time to get going on the rest of my schedule and I do wish everyone an awesome Saturday. “Happy Birthday” to everyone with a birthday today and many wishes for more to come. Take care.